badass decorum

Each quarter, I set goals or rules for myself like: go to office hours, study 24/7 and never have any fun, sleep, etc. Obviously I never follow up on these because they aren’t fun and I’m not motivated.

This quarter, I am doing something different (Shona is doing this with me! And we thought of it together): launching OPERATION: BECOME BADASS

I don’t think anyone has ever thought of me as a badass. But I want to become one.

But badass in my way and definition (which to others probably is not be badass at all).

1) I want to become in peak physical condition. Full potential achieved. It’s amazing how well our bodies function even when they’re in terrible condition(s). But I want to be strong enough to rarely get hurt. I want to be capable of anything. I want to be able to defend and protect myself.

I see those people at the ARC lifting weights and working out: for what?! For improving their appearance? I want to use my body. I want every inch of me to be optimized, but for using, not admiring.

I want to be able to run marathons, open jars, rescue kittens, scale walls, do pull ups, carry heavy boxes, do the splits, bench press (which has always scared me), climb trees, do standing backflips, swim for miles, etc.

And I want to get sick less.

2) I want to conquer my fears. I am going to try to expose myself to more of the things that scare me: heights, committing, the dentist, people (certain aspects…not people in general…), closed spaces/too few windows/being trapped, talking on the phone/in front of people/in Spanish/in general, noise…etc. Also ease up on the general paranoia.

3) I don’t want to become a different person. Just more badass. So personality-wise, I don’t want to change, just improve. I want to be more confident, focused, and daring. And organized. And friendly.

Now, this is only day one of becoming badass. I have many many more days and many many opportunities to abort this mission. But as an aspiring badass, I will not doubt myself or my abilities, and I will do this.

Join me!

beauty=

• the chest of of old pictures and things in our TV room in Sonoma
• guitars/violins/stringed instruments, saxophones (especially these sounds)
• jewelry that was once my grandmother’s
• the drinking glasses my dad and I got from running the Kenwood Footrace, because they are just the right size and shape to drink from
• submerging in the ocean. when it’s so cold that the wind feels warm when you get out.
• words like “soap” and “tea”
• my sister
• harmonizing
• feeling sore
• not being able to leave the house without seeing someone you recognize
• hand holding
• wear and tear
• singing with my Mom and sister
• staring at things up really close
• birds
• munching on raw vegetables. tastes so real.
• feeling like things are magical, like Harry Potter
• happy people
• feeling sun
• vascular systems
• water
• 

P.S. Lily. I didn’t mean to copy you, but I realized I did…! Cause after I wrote this, I realized you just linked to it. Whoa! Sometimes, we’re the same.

Aldous Huxley

Confession: I just went through and made four or five blog entries private. Not because they were secrets but because I didn’t like the way I wrote them. They felt dishonest and old and embarrassed me a little. I’ll be gradually letting people read this, and I don’t particularly want them to read those ones. My apologies.

I’ve been reading Island by Aldous Huxley. I read Brave New World in High School and loved it. And after reading it, I remember thinking, “Wow, this guy just might be my favorite author”, but, until now, I hadn’t read any of his other books. I still haven’t read enough to make that decision but I’m still thinking, “Wow, this guy just might be my favorite author”. His writing is practical and honest, without sacrificing descriptive imagery. His superior intelligence is apparent, but somehow not pretentious. His utopias and dystopias are fascinating, chilling, and wonderfully innovative.

On religion (how it is presented in Pala, the fictional island):

“We neither encourage nor discourage. We accept it. Accept it as we accept that spider web up there on the cornice. Given the nature of spiders, webs are inevitable. And given the nature of human beings, so are religions. Spiders can’t help making flytraps, and men can’t help making symbols. That’s what the human brain is there for–to turn the chaos of given experience into a set of manageable symbols.”

sisters

Italics is Anna, Non-italics is me.

I feel like a garbage bag.

I feel like a barf bag.

I feel like an airplane toilet.

I feel like a latrine.

I feel like a Port-a-Potty overfilling.

I feel like a Honey Bucket.

I feel like a B.I.F.F.Y.

????

I feel like a sump.

I feel like a garbage disposal.

I feel like compost.

I feel like a hot circle of garbage.

I feel like Mom’s used hanky.

I feel a retainer fished out of the dumpster.

I feel like scat.

I feel like an owl pellet.

I feel like food on Poppi’s face.

I FEEL LIKE ORT!!!!!!!!!!

(This is dedicated from us to Shona.)

we don’t speak

One great thing about countless hours of studying is countless hours of shuffling iPod. Discovered and rediscovered a few gems:

My most important rediscovery was Radiohead’s “Exit Music (For a Film)”. I forgot how amazing it was. I played that song on repeat (but I was very careful not to listen tooo much, because who wants to associate such an epic song with studying for finals?) and found myself wanting to scream in the library: “You guys have NO IDEA what music even is right now!!!!!!!!!”

but, I did not.

My friend Lily gave me some CDs by The Dodos (formerly known as Dodo Bird) weeks ago and I heard them and gave them a good rating. But last night I LISTENED to them!

Their song “Beards” made me laugh aloud in the quiet library. Check out the lyrics:

“Beards” by Dodo Bird

You can hide behind it
You can subtly pose it
You can wear it how you like, I know you will
They are taking over
It’s on every other
It will tell a story like the ones you read

I will never have one
I will never have one
It would grow in sparse and light
It would be an ugly sight, so please
Don’t look upon my face
Don’t look upon my face

And grow it out until it comes to standing still
Join the crowd of aging beards a’many

They are looking at me
They are looking at me
Through those beady eyes
They’re thinking what they will
They will keep them safe and warm
From the cold of other’s charm, I warn
Don’t look upon that face
Don’t look upon that face

And grow it out until you’ve found your inner peace
Join the crowd of aging beards a’many

Ah! I just love that! I think it so perfectly describes how much males fixate on their facial hair. “Grow it out until you’ve found your inner peace”…”you can hide behind it”…”they are taking over”…Ha! I never knew how much beards affected one’s psyche! But I certainly think beards deserve their own song. And the song itself is sad and gloomy sounding, but I thought the lyrics were hilarious…

The other Dodos song I especially appreciated was “Neighbors” (don’t you love how to-the-point and simple their song titles are?).

“Neighbors” by Dodo Bird

Ruby’s out there on the block
Chasing down her little dog
Calling out but he won’t stop
‘Cause he’s sick of feeling stuck
Can’t provide the things she wants
She won’t handle when he’s gone
He’s getting free, he’s going long
Feeling further as he runs
I hope he does

Neighbor’s out there in the yard
Doing pull-ups on his bar
Getting stronger, working hard
Gonna have a head start
Gonna look just like a star
Gonna go out stealing hearts
I hope he falls

I know them
They know me
They’re the ones
That I see
Everyday
Probably
We don’t smile
We don’t speak

Sammy’s out there painting trees
Covering up the graffiti
Mumbling something through his teeth
About the kids out on the street
He won’t leave it, let it be
Maybe they’ll come back and see
Painted over permanently
He’ll go mad, he’ll go crazy
I hope he does

I know them
They know me
They’re the ones
That I see
Everyday
Probably
We don’t smile
We don’t speak

Don’t smile, don’t speak

Now this one isn’t funny (though the topic is, to me at least), but it’s so honest. I’ve always noticed how people blatantly ignore each other, but it’s regarded as the norm. People will really go out of their way not to interact with strangers. They’d rather stand than sit next to you on the bus. When I’m running, I say hello to everyone and it’s surprising how many people pretend I don’t exist…! Dude! I saw you look at me from the corner of my eye! You and I both know that I’m running right by you! You don’t have to pretend you don’t know I’m here!

And it’s so true–people really don’t interact with their neighbors much, aside from an occasional hello. It’s a pretty convenient person to get to know, too. I have new neighbors and I’m gonna try to get to know those bros next quarter…and, try not to be such a stranger to everyone.

Studying makes me want to cuddle with someone.

gnirob I ma

As much as I told myself that last post would indeed be my last for the next few weeks, I just have to cheat. I’m a daydreamer, and long hours in the library with nothing besides actual work to do make my mind so nomadic.

I feel like I have not been honest enough in this blog. With my “journals”, it took me a while to get there, but this is different. I’m doing things differently because it’s public. Anyone can read this. And someday, I will post the link on my Facebook or give my friends and family the URL, finally linking myself to this blog, and people I actually know will be able to read it. I’ve always been a secretive person, and putting the real me out on the internet is something I am not yet comfortable with. But I need to stop representing myself as someone different!

I am at the point in life where I am constantly asking myself questions about who I am and what I want and what I REALLY want. It seems all my life people have told me “you have time to decide” on various things (which is true) but with each passing second I am closer to that time where I absolutely must make a decision. Choosing a major, choosing a career, choosing a life. I was a late bloomer and remain terrifyingly far from reaching any cohesive decisions.

I’ve always wanted to grow up to be that woman who was so smiley and warm to everyone and basically, loved and admired by all (this description is vague, but there’s just a vibe that this type of person gives off that I can’t seem to describe). But I’m realizing I am not and will never be like that! I’m not her! And I’m very glad I’m realizing this.

I have tried to reword the following statement many times, but I just can’t seem to get it right. I AM DIFFERENT. But it’s hard to say without people thinking you mean I AM SUPERIOR, which is not the case at all. I am fully aware that every single person on this planet is different, wants to be different, and believes that they are different. After all, eccentricity is what I admire most about people! The funny thing is, I’m become more and more aware that my eccentric quality is that I am boring! Which I am surprisingly content with. I don’t know if there’s a synonym for boring that isn’t negative, but I don’t mean it in a bad way. I sincerely hope I look more boring on paper than I am in person. But take a look at my record, which to most is quite the opposite of a fun person: I don’t smoke, or drink, or do drugs (although I am not against any of those things at all, and really don’t have reasons not to do them…I simply don’t). I don’t like to dance in social situations. I enjoy birdwatching and crossword puzzles and knitting. I am not loud. I adore solitude. I’m not great at storytelling and I’m not gutbustingly funny. I don’t chase after boys. I don’t even drink caffeine or soda or other fun drinks! And I much prefer one-on-one situations. I’ve mentioned this boring thing to friends before, who always respond with “I don’t think you’re boring!!!!!!!!” because they don’t understand that I mean I am boring by definition, not necessarily by personality.

I’ve just noticed that while other people are considered interesting because they’re say, a world traveler (I’m hoping to achieve that eccentricity someday), or a great dancer or have special talents or funny stories, people usually find me interesting because of the things I don’t do.

I am in the process of not only discovering myself, but contenting myself with who I truly am. Chaotic!!!!

And on a completely unrelated note (in an attempt to distract from the excessive narcissism that was this post), check out this website my friend Dustin stumbled to me today. It’s a collection of fourteen photographs from the ’30s and ’40s that are in color. Seeing only black and white photographs of that time period has made me nearly forget that people back then were living their lives in color…!

descending

Now this is gonna be quick cause I have millions of things I couldbe/shouldbe doing right now. Winter quarter is ending which means the next two weeks are going to be comprised of 12-h0ur days holding myself hostage in the library in an effort to stay as focused as possible.

When things are stressful like this, I try to keep myself happy in other ways–nourishing food (especially marmite to keep my mood up, I’m a believer) and (when I allow it), sleep. But sometimes it’s just not in the cards…by the time I was able to fall asleep last night, it was only two hours before my alarm was ringing…time to get up for my morning run. A morning run can sometimes be more energizing than that third hour of sleep–the difference between two and three hours is not much of a difference anyway. I don’t really do the caffeine thing or the makeup thing either…so I just have to live with looking terrible and feeling exhausted it when I don’t get enough sleep. It’s only natural

Off to the library–tons to do before my 10:00 class…