As much as I told myself that last post would indeed be my last for the next few weeks, I just have to cheat. I’m a daydreamer, and long hours in the library with nothing besides actual work to do make my mind so nomadic.
I feel like I have not been honest enough in this blog. With my “journals”, it took me a while to get there, but this is different. I’m doing things differently because it’s public. Anyone can read this. And someday, I will post the link on my Facebook or give my friends and family the URL, finally linking myself to this blog, and people I actually know will be able to read it. I’ve always been a secretive person, and putting the real me out on the internet is something I am not yet comfortable with. But I need to stop representing myself as someone different!
I am at the point in life where I am constantly asking myself questions about who I am and what I want and what I REALLY want. It seems all my life people have told me “you have time to decide” on various things (which is true) but with each passing second I am closer to that time where I absolutely must make a decision. Choosing a major, choosing a career, choosing a life. I was a late bloomer and remain terrifyingly far from reaching any cohesive decisions.
I’ve always wanted to grow up to be that woman who was so smiley and warm to everyone and basically, loved and admired by all (this description is vague, but there’s just a vibe that this type of person gives off that I can’t seem to describe). But I’m realizing I am not and will never be like that! I’m not her! And I’m very glad I’m realizing this.
I have tried to reword the following statement many times, but I just can’t seem to get it right. I AM DIFFERENT. But it’s hard to say without people thinking you mean I AM SUPERIOR, which is not the case at all. I am fully aware that every single person on this planet is different, wants to be different, and believes that they are different. After all, eccentricity is what I admire most about people! The funny thing is, I’m become more and more aware that my eccentric quality is that I am boring! Which I am surprisingly content with. I don’t know if there’s a synonym for boring that isn’t negative, but I don’t mean it in a bad way. I sincerely hope I look more boring on paper than I am in person. But take a look at my record, which to most is quite the opposite of a fun person: I don’t smoke, or drink, or do drugs (although I am not against any of those things at all, and really don’t have reasons not to do them…I simply don’t). I don’t like to dance in social situations. I enjoy birdwatching and crossword puzzles and knitting. I am not loud. I adore solitude. I’m not great at storytelling and I’m not gutbustingly funny. I don’t chase after boys. I don’t even drink caffeine or soda or other fun drinks! And I much prefer one-on-one situations. I’ve mentioned this boring thing to friends before, who always respond with “I don’t think you’re boring!!!!!!!!” because they don’t understand that I mean I am boring by definition, not necessarily by personality.
I’ve just noticed that while other people are considered interesting because they’re say, a world traveler (I’m hoping to achieve that eccentricity someday), or a great dancer or have special talents or funny stories, people usually find me interesting because of the things I don’t do.
I am in the process of not only discovering myself, but contenting myself with who I truly am. Chaotic!!!!
And on a completely unrelated note (in an attempt to distract from the excessive narcissism that was this post), check out this website my friend Dustin stumbled to me today. It’s a collection of fourteen photographs from the ’30s and ’40s that are in color. Seeing only black and white photographs of that time period has made me nearly forget that people back then were living their lives in color…!
