What do I like? What can I be happy with? Slower, please.
I think I just have to go stream-of-consciousness on this one, because for some reason (no matter how many drafts I do) I can’t seem to write something worth publishing.
In a few days, it will be my 20th birthday, a day I (oddly, morbidly) never expected to come. I loathe my own birthday–what a selfish holiday! But I’m uncharacteristically proud that I am so close to this one. Twenty sounds better than nineteen, and for once, I feel like it’s right, and I’m ready.
My mind likes to plan, but never likes to follow through. Some days, I hate the idea of graduate school…shouldn’t I be done with college when I’m done with college? People say: you’re crazy, grad school is the new college. Then I realize how close I am to that end and think: but what then? And then grad school seems like the most appealing thing in the world because 1) I love colleges, and I wish I could attend so many of them and 2) it would allow me to procrastinate on the monotony of entering the cliché “real world” and getting stuck at some dumb boring job in some dumb boring place and decide that all my former aspirations were childish fantasies, completely unrealistic and unattainable in real life.
I have found that my most rewarding experiences have come from me finding something scary, doing this scary (often irreversible) thing, and then living with it. I’m hoping this is what will happen with Nepal. This was all my idea, and it’s the most remarkable idea that’s ever been this close to coming true. I begged my dad to do this, but I only kind of expected him to agree. And then he did and I was thrilled but now I’m thinking it over. I never thought it over before, because it’s easier to be enthusiastic about things you don’t think over, but now I am and I’m starting to scare myself. I have a lot of stuff to do to prepare but I don’t do any of it. I think I need to be thrown into it, soon. Stop my mind running circles around the concept and ACT. I’m terrified for it. I’m unbelievably, gratefully, excited for it. I’m impatient for it. This is going to be big, and it’s going to change my life.
